Trusting in the Hard

Posted on 09 December 2021

I heard a mum, say on her feed the other day that she “wouldn’t change a thing” about her child with a disability.

We’ll…I am definitely not at that place.

If I’m honest, I would change it.
I would change this hard for something else.
I have no idea why God thought Dave and I would be the best parents for this child.

Having a child who looks so capable but actually isn’t, is really hard in this world.
Having to play translator, excuser of behaviour, thinking 10 steps ahead and still be left wanting is exhausting.
Being different is hard.

Looking 1, 5, 10 years into the future, Not knowing how your child will function without you. Will they be able to read? Grocery shop? Have their desires of ‘being a mum’ fulfilled? It’s heartbreaking.

I have known grief. I have walked through loss, death, but this…this is different. There is never closure.
It’s like tiny little deaths every day.
Death of expectations
Death of hopes
Death of dreams
Death of the picture you thought your life would be.
Death of a child not being normal at every stage of their lives compared to those around them.
Deaths everyday over and over again you’re reminded she lives in a world that she will most likely never ‘catch up’ to.
I have said before, that l love school holidays with my kids more and more as they get older but, there is also a more intensely felt awareness of a child’s ability (or lack thereof), when rubbing up against so many different activities, people and new rhythms. A constant.

This photo looks blissful, and yes it was one of those ‘I’m thankful for life right now’ moments. That’s what’s good about this space and having cameras in our pockets right?!
But…It’s really hard.
I’m gonna need Jesus to give me extra patience these holidays.

I know I’m not alone. Maybe it’s not a child with a disability for you, but There are so many circumstances we find ourselves in that are just downright hard and disappointing. Maybe you’re like me and are wondering how someone can say “I wouldn’t change a thing”.
Coz right now you’d change a heck of a lot!

But you know what, I know that I have an anchor in Jesus. I know that he has always walked beside me; even carrying me at times when my feet don’t work, and he will never leave me.

He has a plan when I don’t see it often.
I have to trust because not trusting feels like not even an option. He does make all things beautiful in his time. When you’ve seen Jesus do it before, you have faith he can do it again.

Jordan x

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