Living in the middle before the answered prayer
Posted on 19 October 2016
I love reading encouraging truths about God's handiwork in orchestrating circumstances and Christian devotionals that honestly do really inspire, but sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes we don't yet have the bow at the end of the story. The answer hasn't yet come. When we are right in the middle, we wonder if there will ever be a bow. I don't have any pat Christian answers today. I'm in the middle.
I know deep down God does see me. I sing that He is a "good, good, father". I pray. I have the Christian self-talk and the Bible verses that remind me of His goodness. I know I matter. I know He is real.
But when you have been praying for something for almost three years and don't see an answer, sometimes I wonder if my prayers reach God's ears. Will they ever get answered? While he sees me, does he really hear me?
It's almost three years ago that Dave and I moved back to Australia from Canada. We went with big dreams, big plans. We sold up our family home. Whittled back our earthly possessions, jammed them in a corner of a shipping container, and left our pretty happy life in Brisbane and moved around the globe to Canada.
Marrying a Canadian, I knew at some point in our lives, we would probably live in Canada. We had lived in Uganda, we travelled and we had a full life. I was definitely a willing participant in this new adventure. At the time, it seemed like a natural next step when the opportunity came across our paths to invest in a joint venture with Dave's family.
While we were there, we invested and truly made the most of every opportunity we went for. However there were so many things out of our control. There were hurts, mis-communications and a lot of disappointment.
We ended up moving away from the dream and starting life a-fresh in a different provence. All the familiar was wiped away and a whole new country, way of life was in front of us. We created a completely new life from scratch. For that I am so thankful and a little bit proud, if I can say that. I think we impressed ourselves actually at the resilience of starting life from the ground up. And it was in this place we found an amazing Church. We met some amazing people that became like family to us. Still to this day, we see these friendships as God's gift to us in living in that city.
After a while we realised the dream was not going to happen and started asking why are we even here? So after some truly agonising months of praying and decision making, we decided to come home. Home. (Insert emotive Qantas song here). I could have cried flying in to Brisbane. It felt so good to be home.
However, while we were physically home, financially, circumstances and business stuff still have us tied up in Canada. We were stuck in this place of wanting and choosing to move forward, but being tethered to life back on the other side of the world. Even though we are home it seems the the hurt, the disappointments continue to follow us. The ramifications are far reaching and seem to affect every area of our lives.
We have been praying for financial release from this since we returned to Australia and yet we haven't seen anything. Nothing. We are still stuck. And I'm saying it here right now; It's jolly hard!! Some days because of my desire for justice, I want to phone a lawyer, say all the things I know will tear all relationship apart and not give too hoots at the ramifications.
However, God has been kind in the past couple of months to take a lot of the anger away. Has prompted me to extend a hand of grace and honesty. Something I would never had been able to do before because of the lens of hurt.
I'm finding it so hard lately. I know I need to show grace upon grace. I can sprout on about God's grace and how we should live as Christians, and forgive. It's actually not just pretty ideals. This is exactly the situation Jesus might have had in mind when He instructed the disciples to live this new radical way of living. To forgive. To turn the other cheek.
When it is truly "not fair". When it's overwhelming and honestly unjust. This is the reason God said those things. These aren't just red letters on the page. This relates to ME!! This is what he asks of me. So hard. But so what I know I have to do. Even in the middle. Before we see the bow at the end of the story.